wHen Do yOU beCome a mAN?

There’s an invisible barrier between boyhood and manhood, a line that every young man in his late teenage years faces. For many, it’s an unavoidable question: “How do you even become a man?” Some cross this threshold, guided by elders or through their own discovery. Others remain stuck, unable to navigate this crucial stage.

This period of life matters deeply. It’s when a boy learns the traits necessary to become self-reliant and responsible. If this opportunity slips by, the chances of crossing into manhood diminish, leaving a sense of uncertainty and delay in personal growth.

Today, young men are grappling with profound confusion about their identity and worth. They ask themselves endlessly, “What does it mean to be a man?” In a society where manhood often feels granted rather than earned, the lack of a clear transition leaves many lost.

So, when does it happen? When are you officially a man?

The truth is, there’s no definitive answer anymore.

And it shows. Men today are increasingly struggling with aimlessness and despair. According to the NIH, young men commit suicide at a rate four times higher than young women. These numbers reflect a deep crisis: young men carrying invisible weights of emotional pain and a yearning to find purpose. They are searching for answers, craving guidance, and longing to be seen.

The modern world compounds this struggle. It bombards young men with conflicting ideas about who they should be. The post-pandemic era has only worsened this, with real-world interactions replaced by online connections, leaving many even more isolated and directionless.

So why are young men struggling?

There isn’t a single answer, but one glaring issue stands out: the absence of male guidance and mentorship.

The Lost Art of Rite of Passage

For centuries, rites of passage marked the transition from boyhood to manhood. In ancient cultures, these rituals were tests of courage, resilience, and responsibility, often overseen by elders. These ceremonies weren’t just symbolic; they taught young men vital life lessons and marked a clear moment when they were recognized as men.

But in the 21st century, the art of initiation has been lost. Worse, masculinity itself is often scrutinized, leaving young men unsure of what to aspire to. The lack of these rites means many never face the challenges that force them to grow or take responsibility.

I used to think turning 18 would automatically make me a man. But manhood isn’t a number—it’s a metamorphosis. It’s a process of growth, proving to yourself that you are no longer a boy.

I watched a recent interview with Andrew Huberman, where he quoted a passage from Robert Bly’s Iron John:

“The hole of the remote father leaves a gap in the boy’s life that demons can enter through.”

That spoke to me.

No wonder today we see so many men on the internet exploiting this void, manipulating a mass of vulnerable young men. The rise of self-proclaimed alpha males was inevitable. When there are no positive male role models, counterfeits fill the void.

Without role models or rites of passage, young men are left adrift.

Why Rites of Passage Matter

Rites of passage offer two essential components of manhood:

  1. Overcoming Challenges: They push boys to step outside their comfort zones, proving their resilience and capabilities.
  2. Taking Responsibility: They emphasize that manhood comes with accountability—for oneself and others.

When young men cross these thresholds, they experience a psychological shift. They feel the weight of their new identity and the pride that comes with it.

Recreating Rites of Passage

So how can we bring these traditions back?

1. Apprenticeship:

Many successful men began as apprentices. Learning under someone with experience teaches humility and valuable skills. If you admire someone in your community or field, start by asking for advice. Over time, this can grow into a mentorship, giving you the guidance and accountability you need.

2. Hobbies:

Active hobbies—like sports, martial arts, or craftsmanship—help young men bond and develop traits like discipline, risk-taking, and teamwork. These activities foster camaraderie and create spaces where men can grow together, strengthening mental health and emotional resilience.

3. Building Bonds:

Isolation is one of the greatest threats to young men today. Societal expectations often make it difficult for men to form deep, meaningful relationships. Encouraging friendships, open conversations, and shared activities can counteract this, providing the support networks essential for well-being.

Becoming a man isn’t a checkbox or a single event—it’s a process of growth, challenge, and responsibility. By recreating the pathways that guide young men into adulthood, we can help them navigate the barriers of aimlessness and isolation.

Relentlessly seek guidance, embrace challenges, take ownership, and nurture connections. That’s the foundation of manhood.

Thanks for reading.